A drunken 3 a.m. Facebook post by Chris Grayling has revealed that the hot potato of Parliament isn’t having a ‘world-beating week’, with further miseries including losing his House of Commons parking spot to Julian Lewis, being gazumped on a house purchase, then shat on by an albatross. This has magnificently topping his previous triumph spaffing of £50 million of public funds on a ferry company with no ships, analysts agreed.
‘At work, I had more doors slammed in my face than a psoriasis-riddled Scout in bob-a-job week. I was beaten to the last Tunnock’s tea cake by that f*cker Lewis again, then run over by the House of Commons tea trolley,’ said the Incompetence Committee shoo-in. ‘Being gazumped on the new house was rather a blow, especially as I’d already transferred the funds over – well, left the briefcase of used notes in the estate agent’s bin. Apparently promising to fill the garden with old fridges and rusting Fiats made the other party a more attractive prospect than yours truly.’
‘After having my lunch money stolen by Dominic Cummings- not an isolated incident, admittedly- I managed to miss all my train connections home by seconds, arriving to find our purchasers had taken possession and chucked all my business acumen awards onto the front lawn. Every sodding hotel I tried had just sold the last room, then they closed the motorway, so I’m having to sleep in my car. Tried to order an Uber, but that was scuppered by Barclaycard suddenly withdrawing the guaranteed pre-approval on my gold-ish card.’
Reflecting on his week, Grayling concluded: ‘The only bit of constituency post I received was a letter advising me I’d not been entered into the Reader’s Digest Prize Draw. And yes, the shower of albatross excrement was a particularly low point, especially as they’re extinct in the Northern hemisphere.’ It later emerged that his post received one ‘quite like’, signed ‘From your proud mother’, but this was later retracted, saying ‘Oops, sorry, wrong Chris Grayling’.