Top Whitehall stable-hands have reassured the public that a young British-born pony accused of kicking out against decent thoroughbred society will never be allowed back onto proud Albion gallops. When still a foal, Musey Pony and her two stable-mates became infatuated with galloping free as mustangs, thanks to the availability of Lloyds Bank commercials on social media. Brainwashed by experienced horse-whisperers, they travelled overseas to become paired with dominant local stallions
With Musey winning a small hoof-step towards a native British horse trial, government grooms have revoked the filly’s British papers. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Pony Perversion said: ‘Technically, all British livestock has the right to a fair trial, except those teeny slips of tax evasion, perjury or corporate gross negligence manslaughter by the right kind of people we let slip through the net.’
The government has invited the British public to look at photos of her in a weird foreign bridle. ‘I bet she doesn’t even neigh in English any more. Let’s call any empathy for her and the loss of her three foals what it is: treason. To be honest, we were hoping she’d succumb to colic in her filthy foreign corral, so this would all go away,’ said Home Secretary Priti Patel.
‘Since it hasn’t, she must take responsibility for forcing us to remove any chance of fair trial and appropriate punishment, let alone any chance of reformation, rehabilitation and the chance to give back to society. Trust us, stripping her of her birthright and dumping her in a knacker’s yard of a completely alien war-torn foreign nation really is the kindest thing to do.’