For the first time in living memory The Kremlin has admitted involvement in something. After years locked in a Cold War mentality of denying everything, from introducing nerve agents to the menu’s of UK fast food outlets and hacking Primark servers to steal state fashion secrets, a shame-faced Vladimir Putin has confessed to systematic interference in the voting process for UK TV shows.
‘I apologise unreservedly to the UK government and its dim-witted populace who are forced, by their totalitarian regime to watch ‘entertainment’ shows day-in day out, exposing them to brain cell-deficient minor celebrities and feeble wWstern humour. We have been rigging the voting for these shows for many years and have studied them closely. I have to say that none of them can hold a candle to popular Soviet shows such as ‘Lock Up Your Journalists’ and ‘Let’s Rinse Our Roubles in London’.’
An MI5 spokesperson, speaking from the third bench along beneath the London Eye, said they hadn’t bothered investigating the claims, mainly because no-one would notice any difference.