The Government’s Intelligence & Security Committee have concluded a briefing on their report into Russian interference in UK elections. The new abnormal chair of the IS Committee, Julian Lewis, handed out caviar blinis and ensured that vodkas were topped up throughout the briefing at Number 10 Downing Street in Londongrad. Hot potatoes were offered, but those present just passed them around.
‘We cannot tell if Russian influence has become the Иew Иormal because the government has not looked into it properly,’ said committee member, Stewart Hosie. ‘Perhaps the most important and damning accusation is that my colleague Kevan Jones had his name infiltrated and hacked by Russian-backed operators. We can categorically refute this allegation.’
On the question of whether successive Conservative Prime Ministers had passed the buck on Russian interference and whether Boris Johnson had any grounds to block and delay the emergence of the report, Kevan Jones commented: ‘No bucks were passed. Rubles, maybe, but no bucks. And we’re not saying the Prime Minister was lying. But we’re not saying he was telling the truth, either.”
Vladimir Putin issued a statement to confirm that he was satisfied that the EU Referendum and 2019 UK General Election had gone precisely as he had intended. And spooks of all nationalities based in Britain breathed a sigh of relief as it was confirmed that it is not illegal to spy in the UK. Questions asked remotely by the press were riddled with sound issues.
Julian Lewis confirmed afterwards: It was clear to all present that China and Huawei were interfering with the interference briefing. In conclusion, the Russian Interference Report will form part of a larger report, which will itself be contained within an even bigger report than that, and that report will be in the largest report of all.’