Fears are growing that Pramface favourite Primark could be the latest High Street stalwart forced to go into administration under the metaphorical and literal weight of clothes that chubster lockdowners have been returning to stores. The embodiment of a ‘non-essential’ store, since Primark reopened approximately twice the recorded population of Britain have been fighting to get their swollen arses into the array of nasty viscose fuchsia leopard-print flammability on offer.
Whey-faced ‘associate’ Jen Samson said: ‘We were only just keeping up with demand- thank goodness those Indian six-year-olds have an inspiring work ethic. But in the last couple of weeks, it’s all turned fat arse about jowly face: herds of lumbering, sack-dragging wildebeest, bellowing that we’ve changed our size labelling and demanding refunds to their Perfect Home Ultraloan cards.’
‘Of course nothing’s changed about our clothes,’ she added. ‘With our demographic, one thing you can be confident about a Primark garment is the bloody generous sizing. Our size 10 equates to a 24 in Next, and a ‘The fire brigade are on the way to crane you out of the store’ klaxon in Zara.’
‘It was terrifying: enraged customers insisting they’d not piled on an ounce of lockdown blubber through a tsunami of Findus Crispy Pancake spittle. You’ve not felt the clammy clutch of suffocating death until you’ve hinted to a thirty-year-old mother of eight brandishing a KFC party bucket that just maybe she’s larded up like a veal calf facing Bastille Day.’
Even though most returns had tell-tale burst zips and ripped seams, staff were legally obliged to issue refunds, as most Primark garments that have never been taken out of the bag look like that anyway. With stores sinking under the weight of sweat-stained bum-enhancer leggings, a lifeline has been thrown by Sports Direct professional sulker Mike Ashley, who has absolutely no plans for the chain, but can’t see a flailing High Street competitor without chowing down like a complacent shark on a 17-stone surfer.