Cabinet ordered to accept average 40% cuts in their names, or a new nickname

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In a new attempt by the ‘People’s Government’ to show how much ‘We are All in This Together’, ministers and key advisers have been told that, with immediate effect, their names will either be shortened or they will be known by new nicknames. This will enable the PM to remember who the fuck some of them are, and speed up Government communications.

Among the new working names are:

Health Secretary – Mancock
PM’s Chief of Staff and Eminence Grise – Dummings
Home Secretary – Petal
Leader of the House and Minister for the 19th Century and Stovepipe Hats – The Right On Hep Jazz Cat
Foreign Secretary – Draab
Attorney General – That Bra Lady
Chancellor of the Exchequer – The Nak
Maths Tsar and Home Secretary – El Tel
Minister for the Cabinet Orifice – MisGove RN
Defence Secretary – Ballache
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions – Toffee
Business Secretary – Alarma
Environment Secretary – Useless
Chief Whip – Mr Whippy (may be revised due to concern that this could lead to confusion with other Tory MPs)
Trade Secretary – Betty Truss
Housing Secretary – Baldrick

Government sources refused to confirm that the Conservative Party will reintroduce the power stance, given it had worked so well for them previously. The Prime Minister himself will be known as The People’s Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury, Minister for the Civil Service and Minister for the Union (yes, really), Hider in Fridges, The Artful Todger, The Rt Hon Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson MP.

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Posted: Jul 25th, 2020 by

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