After months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.
‘This has been a major engineering feat,’ David Cameron told journalists at a special opening ceremony. ‘A tunnel that runs along the English Channel, through the Bay of Biscay and around the Portuguese coast, before disgorging the hordes of asylum seekers back to roughly where they came from, must surely rank as one of the wonders of the modern world – at least, if the polls are right, in the eyes of most of Britain.’
It is anticipated that thousands of people a day will traverse the ‘Migrant Express’, or New Improved MoBilitY (NIMBY) tunnel to give it it’s official name, sending many would-be immigrants back to within a few hundred miles of where they first embarked on their harrowing journey – something that critics of the scheme have dubbed ‘the biggest U-turn in Conservative history’. Others, such as UKIP’s Nigel Farage, have accused the government of not going far enough – somewhere in Antarctica being much more preferable.
Following last minute safety checks, migrants currently thronging around Calais will stream into the new route from Friday. ‘Initially we’ll ‘forget’ to close the barriers surrounding the tunnel, which will trick a few hundred of them into it,’ revealed one tunnel operator. ‘Then, once the penny drops, a specially-trained squad of Gendarmes and British constabulary will be on hand to ‘encourage’ them, aided by cattle prods, to march 1500km back to the properly warm summer climate that they’d surely miss if we allowed them to settle in Britain. Let me reassure everyone that these devices are completely humane and will not cause any pain or suffering to the user, or the British taxpayer as they don’t qualify for funding through Tax Credits.’
Human rights groups have expressed concern over the lack of details about the other side of the tunnel. These, the Prime Minister has pledged, will be briefed out in due course. ‘Naturally we must keep that under wraps for now for security reasons. However the public can rest assured that these poor, desperate and benighted people, exhausted from their long underground walk and fearful of what the future holds, will receive a warm, sympathetic and kindly welcome from whatever militia holds the desert around Benghazi at the time.’