Theresa May to take party ‘leadership hamster’ home for the holidays

hamster school

It’s the end of term and MPs are looking forward to enjoying a nice break from the burden of public responsibility, apart from PM Theresa May, who has the job of taking home the Conservative Party ‘leadership hamster’, which is called Margaret. Hamsters are usually given to children as ‘C’est la vie’ pets to encourage caring, nurturing behaviour, only to see the object of said behaviour pop its tiny clogs within a matter of months.

Conservative Party members voted to award a hamster to party leaders after learning that UKIP leaders are given a large sandwich to sustain them through the early days of their tenure, giving protection from press intrusion and party rebellions for the lifespan of the sandwich, after which they are on their own. Congruent with the UKIP Leader Sandwich Loyalty Programme is the self-serving duty of a Conservative Prime Minister to ensure the survival of little Margaret over the summer recess, so as to ensure their own leadership remains free from threat.

Whereas a UKIP leadership sandwich has been shown to last between five minutes and a week, a hamster properly cared for with DUP support crutches and Lib Dem-Cell therapy can last a frustratingly long time, possibly until April 2019. However, rumours are rife within governmental catacombs that Jacob Rees-Mogg has replaced Margaret the hamster with a lemming named Julius.

Julius’s cage has a strange perfume bottle in the corner for him to play with, as well as an exercise wheel which powers an iPod nano playing the entire Leonard Cohen catalogue on a loop. The bedding consists of pages of shredded banking terms and conditions. A UKIP spokesperson revealed that Theresa’s hamster is being gifted a loyalty sandwich for services to the Brexit process.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2020 by

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