New York crime boss ‘Fat Tony’ Salerno is to sue his Mafia overlords over his nickname, which he claims has caused ‘mental distress, low self-esteem and anxiety issues’.
Fat Tony told an employment tribunal that he was given his nickname by Farting Franco, God rest his soul, when Tony was just fourteen years old and ‘had a gland problem’.
“I have fat glands, it’s a medical condition”, he told the tribunal. “It’s the 21st century now and we understand the damage caused by fat shaming. My job is stressful enough, what with FBI wiretaps and GDPR, which has been a f*ck*ng nightmare for the Mob”.
The Mafia, in common with other paramilitary organisations such as the Boy Scouts, has modernised for the 21st century. All staff are required to be police-checked and nicknames are allocated randomly from a database of adjectives, with preference given to botanical themes. This isn’t without its challenges, however.
Primrose Tony (21), who earned his stripes by boiling a police informant alive, told us that he finds it more difficult to exert management control over c*cks*ckers and m*therf*ck*ng snitches because of his monicker. “Personally, I’d rather be called Fat than named after a flower. Just a personal preference, don’t read nothing into it”.
If Fat Tony’s legal action succeeds he has promised to donate the payout to animal charities, probably a donkey sanctuary. “People see wiseguys and they think we’re just thugs, but that’s far from the truth. My own outfit has a charity swear box, we do bakesales for the local orphanage and we currently have a two-for-one offer on kneecapping. We’re a community-based organisation”.
The Mafia has recently released a series of TV adverts featuring horses running free across a beach with soulful piano music. “Smart move”, said Fat Tony. “It works for banks, don’t it?”