Following the success of COVID 19, and the Black Death’s recent reunion tour of Mongolia, the Smallpox virus has announced plans to come out of retirement for a series of dates this autumn.
In a live stream on its Pathogens Reunited page the virus announced, ‘We’ve been thinking about this for a while. But now, with the growth of clueless, self serving world governments and anti-vax fuckwittery, we think we can make this a real, oozing, pustular success.
Can’t wait to get back on the road and spread our unique brand of suffering and misery with you, and with support acts such as rabies and James Blunt we think we can do just that. You’re going to be weeping in the aisles, and probably from quite a few other places too.’
Health Secretary Matt Hancock however was confident that that Britain was prepared for the possible impacts of the virus, stating ‘We’re are 100% ready for this. With our tried and tested strategy of dicking about for a couple of months, ignoring the scientific consensus and needlessly keeping major horse racing events going, we believe we can limit the effects to being only mildly horrendous. Anyone need a tip for the 3.30 at Chepstow?’