Leader of the House Jacob Rees Mogg has announced that the contract to provide the Hansard transcript of proceedings of Parliament will be taken over with immediate effect and without a tender process by the on line film review site IMDb.
Mr Rees Mogg (Top Hat Cat: Jacob Don’t Do That: Nanny McPhee) said the record would be more accessible as it will always state what programmes you may have seen each Whitehall farceur in before.
NewsBiscuit have seen the back of a fag packet containing the sample text of a recent Prime Minister’s Question Time provided by IMDb as part of their presentation:
Michael Gove (Raging Bullshit; The Mask; Would I lie to You) congratulated the PM (Bedtime for Bozo) on his deft (daft? – Ed) handling of the Covid-19 inconvenience. Matt Hancock (Casualty) agreed that this response had attracted the attention of the world (Lock Down, Laughing Stock, and Scraping the Barrel).
Jeremy (Bargain) Hunt asked the PM (Beds, Knobs and Brexit; Liar Liar) to praise the NHS assistance which enabled Dominic Cummings (Top Gear, The Godfather) to make a pair of spectacles of himself when driving to Barnard Castle with double vision. Mr Johnson (Lord of the Flies) did so, adding that optometrists always look on the bright side. Robert Jenrick (Richard Desmond’s Houseparty) explained the taxpayer value for money of a £12k bung for a minor £40m planning exemption.
Dominic Raab (Psycho; I’m an American, you can’t get me out of here) asked the PM (A Series of Unfortunate Events) whether he shared his approval of the Chancellor’s (The Singing Ringing Money Tree) actions benefiting Conservative voters (Tory Story) in response to Covid-19. Chris Grayling (The Bill) asked the PM (Prorogue Male) to congratulate Liam Fox (Dr Who???) on his imminent non-appointment to head the WTO.
In closing Mr Johnson (straight to Covideo release The Outbreak; Apocalypse Now; The Clangers) thanked Liz Truss and Priti Patel (Dim and Dimmer) for their work on securing world beating trade deals and setting up the unprecedented points based Australian immigration system.
Note for editors: as well as the Commons, the Hansard Service also provides a transcript service for the House of Lords, including the Bishop of Liverpool (Have We Got Pews for Youse).