The government’s legendary coronavirus track and trace system, said to be world-beating by Boris Johnson, has been dismissed as an abject failure.
After the trial of a £12bn app on the Isle Of Wight which refused to function on mobile telephonic communication devices, data collection was handed over to the nation’s pubs and restaurants who were made responsible for collecting details from customers.
A government spokesperson denied that it was utterly useless, saying it was functioning perfectly well and thousands of people had given their names, including:
600 Prince Harry’s, 557 Meghan’s, 12 blokes who escaped from Alcatraz, 234 Katie Hopkins, 39 Nelson Mandela’s, 42 Steve McQueen’s and 23 Jacob Rees Mogg’s
The system was still trying to track them down. It has, however, managed to find Lord Lucan, who was hiding in Nigel Farage’s favourite pub, The Marquis of Fuckwit, and a Russian submarine with a stealthy propulsion system. Boris will be announcing the finding of Lord Lucan soon, but cabinet ministers have warned that the discovery of Red October could send Putin ballistic.