In a landmark step towards controlling the spread of the coronavirus, a small number of people have managed to put a piece of cloth or paper in front of their face without fucking this up in some way.
While these numbers represent a significant improvement, the government is still considering rolling out anatomy lessons to help other mask users and to correct the seemingly common misconception that droplets containing the virus are breathed out from a person’s chin rather than their nose and mouth.
Infection scientist and/or mask fashion guru John Smith has been tracking the public’s compliance with mask advice.
“Many people seem to have favoured pulling the mask down, often turning it into some weird beard swaddling cloth. Whereas others have gone for the risqué option of slightly under the nose, as if they wanted their hairy mucus caves to be exposed. That’s not great scientifically or aesthetically!”
The latest successful mask-wearer was spotted making an entire train journey with the mask correctly placed on her face, although she did proceed to shake hands with a colleague as soon as she left the station.