Voucher scheme to keep bikes in sheds – ‘unused but cleaner’


The Government have launched 50,000 vouchers to ensure that all redundant fitness equipment is kept in a spotless condition, for the day you decide to take it to the dump. Further funding will be available to clean other unused items in your shed, such as a discarded VGA monitor cable, one incomplete box of Monopoly and 300 copies of the National Geographic, circa 1995.

To tackle obesity, the Health Department hope to inspire bike-owners to lose weight; particularly after just giving them 50% off to Eat Out. Applying online will use 5 calories in typing, another 20 calories will be burnt lifting the phone to call the repair man and final 50 calories spent in order to list the bike on eBay.

Bike sales have risen by 57% during lockdown, while coincidently there has been a 57% rise in sweaty work colleagues, squashed testicles and the smugness of car drivers. Analysts predict two years from now a 57% rise in the number of people saying: ‘What’s that under the tarpaulin at the back of the shed? Is it a bike? When did I buy a bike?’.

A key indicator that you have not used your bike recently, is the fact it is a Penny Farthing. A Health Official said: ‘We were asked for strategies to help get rid of a useless lump of fat – how were we to know that it was a memo from Dominic Cummings about the PM’.

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Posted: Jul 29th, 2020 by

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