Praise for ‘subtle, proportionate’ Met response to non-existent black crimewave

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Following overwhelming acclaim at the distressing handcuffing and arrest of a 12 year old black child sitting on his own sofa holding a bright blue toy gun, police have proudly published a list of other apparently innocent situations where heavy-handed institutionalised prejudice saved the day, resulting in only minimal collateral lifelong trauma.

Illustrating the delicacy required in handling complex situations, officers sensitively wrestled to the ground a black man seen brandishing a blade in a busy shopping centre. Following robust questioning, police eventually handed him the Argos pen back, even kindly pointing out the closest A&E unit he could limp to for assessment of his multiple injuries.

White diners applauded as police subdued a ‘deranged darkish individual making threatening movements with a sharpened oriental throwing disc’ behind a serving counter. On production of the alleged weapon later in court, one vegetarian supreme 12” pizza, sentence was transmuted to a very fair 18 months, as the asparagus spears were judged a significant stabbing risk.

A 78 year old black woman required sensitive handling for allegedly ‘brandishing not one but two stiletto blades in a creative manner’. Explaining the full body-slam and chokehold, one arresting officer commended for his bravery stated: “It was clear she could have started purling at any moment, possibly with intent to produce a life-threatening Fair Isle pattern.”

Demonstrating the results of social sensitivity refresher training, a white man holding a cleaver was politely asked to step aside so police could Taser two black suspects throwing a suspected chakramshuriken, or ninja star in a crowded public park. Hastily crayoning ‘Frisbee’ to the list of banned weapons, the two seven year-olds were told to expect a long sentence just as soon as they were confirmed off life support.

Other confiscated items on the ‘black’list include: ‘club modified with sharpened spikes to maximise potential head trauma’ (hairbrush), ‘large quantities of small-bore ammunition’ (icing balls), ‘high-impact semi-automated spinning flail or morning star’ (swingball set), plus the offence of ‘brandishing a bloodied dagger in a heated atmosphere’ (eating a strawberry Mivvi on a sunny day).

A Met spokesperson said; “With these incendiary actions, black people are only hurting themselves. We urge them to consider safe, traditionally white hobbies, such as shopping, cooking, playing in the park- maybe even home-based crafts; almost as if they were normal, peaceful members of society.”

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Posted: Aug 1st, 2020 by

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