Tea or Coffee? Government guidance to be provided

app

It is estimated that up to as much as 0.3% or more of productive time is lost in offices every day through dithering over whether Mavis would prefer tea or coffee. A new Government service looks set to end the dithering and get Britain cracking on.

The Ministry of Get Britain Cracking On has been formed to end inefficiency in Britain’s homes and workplaces. Their first mission? An app to tell Mavis, decisively, whether she fancies tea or coffee.

“If somebody is ambiguous about preferences then they need to be led” said Conrad Smythe, a consultant with PwC. “We’ve commissioned an app from one of Dominic’s friends which will simply say ‘Tea’ or ‘Coffee’. It works on all smartphones. Well, obviously it doesn’t work yet, we’ve only just commissioned it, but when it works that’s where it will work. On your phone”.

The app will take six months and £300 million to develop. “It should cost more”, explained Smythe, “but we factored in that the latter stages of development will have access to early versions of the app and so will save up to as much as 0.3% or more of productive time, so we’ve included that saving in our initial cost benefit analysis. Apps usually only cost about £30k to develop but we’ve really ramped up the manpower on this one so that we reap handsome rewards from the increased efficiency”.

Once the infamous tea/coffee conundrum has been cracked, the Ministry plans to move on to an algorithm which selects which of the Big Four consultancies will be given the next meaningless contract, saving millions each year. The algorithm is expected to cost around £6 billion, just as soon as one of the Big Four can be selected to provide it.

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Posted: Aug 2nd, 2020 by

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