Jizz-filled tissue appointed to House of Lords

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A semen-infused tissue is to become the latest member of the House of Lords, after Carrie Symonds found one in Downing Street and Boris had to think on the spot.

“He’s full of the stuff”, explained an aide. “When he isn’t impregnating random women he’s spaffing it up against the wall. Literally. That comment about the police investigation wasn’t figurative, it was Boris describing an ordinary day at work. If you’re not quick he’ll hump your leg like a golden retriever”.

The question of whether a few thousand sperm can legally sit in the Lords is complex. Christian theologians claim that only a fertilised egg can be truly human, since that is the point when the soul enters the body. Westminster insiders point to Jo Johnson, who has never shown any sign of possessing a soul yet is apparently eligible. Being the PM’s brother he will be closely related to the thousands of sperm in Boris’s Kleenex, which gives a whole new meaning to the concept of giving one’s relatives a hand up while climbing the greasy pole.

Whatever the pros and cons of a jizz-stained tissue running the country, at least it isn’t Claire Fox.

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Posted: Aug 3rd, 2020 by

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