Pubs in England may need to close to allow schools to reopen, as that appears to be the only way to get teachers out of them, says a government advisor. However, the only way to persuade teachers back to the classroom will be for schools to start serving pints, spirits and cocktails.
Plans to fully reopen schools from September hinge on a full complement of educators being available for work. This is causing concern as many of them are currently in their local, hammered drunk and chained to furniture so they don’t have to leave.
“I opened the doors on July 4th and a group of teachers came straight in, crying tears of happiness and have been here ever since.” said the landlord of the Red Lion in Lincoln.
“When it got to closing time I said they had to go and they begged me to let them stay. It was a Saturday and they seemed harmless enough so I left them there overnight. But on the Sunday night we had the same thing again. I told them they had to go because tomorrow was a school day and they just started screaming.”
“I couldn’t deal with that so I left them to it. The next morning three of them were chained to the pool table and they seem to kind of live here now.”
The government see the reopening of schools as a priority for children’s wellbeing, but has accepted that the only way to make this happen is for Wetherspoons to become an Academy chain and for school dinners to be replaced with four pints of lager and a couple of couple of tequila shots. The teachers may be allowed something stronger.
The head of a teachers’ union has called for greater clarity on the issue, insisting his members need to understand whether they can still drink during the day while teaching.
“Everybody who has been exposed to their own children for the last months will understand better than ever the role that alcohol plays in education.” explained Patrick Roach, general secretary of the NASUWT.
“We therefore need to urgently understand the measures being put in place to safely reopen schools. Can mini bars be installed in individual classrooms with optics on the desk? Or are we relying on the traditional method of necking spirits straight out of the bottle in the teacher’s lounge at lunchtimes and just hoping that’s enough?”
The curriculum will be replaced by a wine list, with all students expected to know how to make a Bloody Mary. Asked to comment on the prevalence of alcohol on school property, a teacher commented: ‘His!’
Virtually Challenged Giant, Wrenfoe (h/t Terry Bunn)