Massage, funeral, ice cream parlours to merge to clarify new virus rules

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Imagine being able to get a flake inserted by Mr Whippy at the same time you choose a coffin for a loved one. Imagine if you could get a manicure or pedicure for a recently departed family member on the same premises, guaranteeing they’ll look their best at the pearly gates by having pearly finger and even toenails. These and many other possibilities will come true when government regulations merge the functions of three much loved parlours.

‘Funeral directors and ice cream businesses are natural bedfellows because both rely heavily on hygienic cold storage’ said undertaker expert Morris Smythe. ‘Now we’re looking at maintaining freshness in the departed by lying them on a bed of scented sorbet, with our new ‘Lemony Snicket’ casket range, although for open casket events we’ll have to have explicit signage to stop mourners dipping into the coffin for an added desert.’

Meanwhile massage parlour operators are rubbing their hands at the prospect of the extra custom. ‘Clearly masks and gloves will have to be worn, though boots will be at the masseuse’s discretion,’ explained one business owner aiming to start one of the combined outlets:

‘Bereavement is a time of maximum stress, and our ‘three for one’ offer will offer a world beating combination of sex appropriate candle, soothing rub, and a half litre of dairy ice cream from a special selection of flavours. (Sprinkles extra).

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Posted: Aug 4th, 2020 by

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