Hipster hits out at face masks after choking on own beard

Screenshot 2020-08-04 at 12.36.11

Hackney based hipster and artisan cress cafe owner Mycroft Green, has launched a campaign against face masks, after inadvertently swallowing his own beard while wearing one.

Green, 27, was ironically shopping in his local Lidl when a sudden waft from the cheese counter caused the near-fatal retching scenario. ‘It could have been horrible. One minute I was innocently minding my own business, pondering whether I should have paired a lab coat with my lumberjack shirt this morning, and the next I had three pounds of coconut oil infused facial hair constricting my tonsils. Fortunately I had my kimchi and beetroot juice Epipen with me so no long term harm was done.

I get where the government is coming from, but they are not looking at the bigger picture. For those of us with a gaping hole in our self esteem that for some reason can only be filled by growing unnecessarily elaborate beards and moustaches, this is no laughing matter.’

And there are signs that the movement is gaining momentum. Fellow chin topiary enthusiast Harvey Bennett, who runs ‘The Organic Cereal Emporium’ in Dalston also backed the campaign.

‘Mycroft is absolutely right. Like the dust at the bottom of a box of coco pops, face masks are both mildly dangerous and aesthetically displeasing. My customers wouldn’t want to see me accidentally gagging on my own mouth merkin. It would put them right off their Cheerios. Sorry, I mean rustic Nepalese spelt flour hoops. Oh god, you won’t print that will you?’

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Posted: Aug 5th, 2020 by

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