aking inspiration from Britain’s smashing colonial past, Australia has played a surprise blinder, with a policy of ‘reverse transportation’ sending millions of covid-ridden undesirables on a one-way trip back to the old country.
Reeling under a second wave of coronavirus, the former penal colony and backpacker shallow-graveyard has requisitioned a huge fleet of floundering luxury cruise liners, following a ‘lightbulb moment’ in the seventh hour of a Fosters-sponsored emergency government meeting,
Packed with fetid outbackers from remote hotspots such as Burpengary, Wonglepong, and Melbourne, the first ‘covict ships’ are due to dock in a couple of weeks, with others following on after a little T20 stopover in the West Indies.
Hawking over the rail, excited transportee Bruce Kangawang said; “I’ve heard it’s a wild, backward place, so it’s going to be quite a challenge introducing culture and sophistication to… Earl’s Court, I think they said?”
World-renowned for its sober, law-abiding social compliance with health and safety, observers are astonished that Australia hasn’t been able to simply quash the epidemic. However, embattled British NHS front-liners have been reassured that, after three weeks at sea in a floating free bar, the conscripts’ blood-alcohol level should have irradiated every trace of the virus before arrival.
Sadly, this process is not thought to quash the genes controlling entrenched misogyny and blatant cheating on the international sports field.