Nigel Farage today detailed his party’s response to the recent rise in migrants trying to cross the channel, by unveiling a fleet of militarised, patriotic pedalos that will set sail later this week.
‘There’s only so much you can achieve by being a rent-a-quote TV personality and pretending that you suddenly fancied an ad-hoc long weekend in Bromsgrove’, said a spokeswoman. ‘Now it’s time for more direct action.’
‘That’s why I’m delighted that we’re taking this step to stop the migrants. What could be more intimidating to them than the sight of 30-40 bewildered octogenarians paddling aimlessly around in series of red, white and blue fibreglass swans, armed with an innate sense of superiority and a couple of semi-automatic blue passport canons.’
Brexit party activists Reg and Maureen Maynard are among those who will be joining in: ‘We can’t wait to get going. And it’s great that Nigel will be there with us at the front. Or if not at the front, then at least turning up for ten minutes for a photo op before pissing off to the pub and leaving us to perish in one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world.’
Farage also demanded greater action from the French authorities. His spokeswoman said: ‘The French are turning a blind eye to all of this. What we need is some sort of political union that would enable us to work more collaboratively on the major issues of the day, but for some reason they just don’t want to know.’