Home Secretary Priti Patel today announced plans to despatch the Royal Navy to deal with some increasing desperate scenes at an Ipswich based swimming baths.
Pool attendant, Geoff Hodges explained the situation: ‘Things are getting totally out of control here. There has been a 300% increase in toddlers piddling in the kiddie pool since June. And we’ve had over 5 incidents of petting in the shallow end this week alone. Something has to be done’
Patel confirmed the plan at a Downing Street briefing this morning commenting: ‘I know that when the British people say they don’t want people bombing off the diving boards or dodging the veruca bath with careless abandon they mean it. Therefore the only option is to now patrol the pool with amphibious assault craft.’
‘Desperate times call for desperate measures and with that in mind I can announce today we intend to mine all water slides. We need to stop these foreign toddlers coming here willy-nilly,’ said Patel, whilst behind her Williamson and Francois capered around like a couple of Morris Dancers on Speed.
Asked whether she had taken this action purely to appear tough she replied: ‘That is an outrageous slander and I’ll happily challenge anyone who says it to an arm wrestle in the car park.’