Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s next challenge to be weekend Ikea expedition

real explorers always ignore the arrows

While recovering from frostbite, explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is embarking on an ambitious challenge to become the first man to successfully navigate his local Ikea store. In undertaking this mission he hopes to create the first accurate map of Ikea, for which no useful chart exists. The expedition is expected to take four months.

‘Sir Ranulph will start by setting up base camp in Car Park Level 2, raising a Union Jack and claiming it back from the Swedes,’ said his companion explorer. ‘He has then allowed a week for the dangerous second stage in which he must compete in hand-to-hand combat to win possession of a functioning flatbed trolley, a great prize and status symbol among Ikeans. Thus equipped, he will set about mapping the interior using only the same basic tools available to the natives – a stubby brown pencil hewn from wood and a crude metre rule fashioned from coloured paper.’

Travelling light, Fiennes will sustain himself on locally-sourced balls of meat similar to beef. For liquids, he will be dependent upon finding the fabled never-ending spring of flat lingonberry juice. His only company will be the migrating, world-weary tribes-people of Ikea who scavenge for shiny trinkets and store them in their special yellow pouches before ending their trek exhausted and dazed at the checkout delta.

‘The main goal of my mission is to prove or disprove the existence of the fabled Northwest passage from bedrooms to kitchens,’ said Fiennes. ‘Many say it doesn’t exist; some have died looking for it. If, as expected, it turns out to be a myth, I am allowing a month to carve my own pass through the densely furnished terrain using my flatbed trolley as a battering ram.’ Fellow explorers have agreed that the route should be named ‘Sir Ranulph’s Shortcut’ in his honour, as it could shave weeks off the journey time for the nomadic Ikeans.

Like his previous expedition which was ended by frostbite, Fiennes has been warned that he may get home from his trip to Ikea only to find he is missing several parts.

Boutros (hat-tips to AReader and Titus)

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Posted: Aug 12th, 2020 by

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