It’s one of the highlights of the masturbation season – the August photos of 18 year-old girls leaping into the air clutching results slips. Fears that Covid-19 might prevent photos of Holly, 18 and Lauren, 17 in skimpy outfits gracing local newspapers has thrown onanists into a panic.
‘I still have last year’s copy of the Herald, obviously,’ said Sam Weller, local wanker. ‘And 2018’s copy. And 2017. In fact I have every A Level results pull-out section since 2009 – which was excellent, by the way. A very good crop. August won’t be the same without it’.
In his capacity as Official President of the National Wankers’ Association, Michael Gove has written to the Health Secretary to suggest that female A level students should be at the front of the queue for testing and vaccination.
‘At times of national crisis we need our newspapers to keep up morale,’ he told reporters. ‘Teenage girls, fresh-faced and lovely with beaming smiles and the sort of innocence you associate with too much Chemistry homework, just starting their descent from a joy-filled leap, their skirts flaring out and showing too much thigh . . . excuse me, there’s something urgent I need to attend to’.
Sadly, this year, many female A-level students will not have got the grades they deserve – but who cares as long as they are pretty.