Man furious to discover he’s paying for ‘Eat Out to Help Out’

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A man who believed that August’s 50% discount on eating out was a gift from heaven is apoplectic after having it beaten into him that the resulting shortfall will, of course, ultimately come out of taxpayer’s pocket.

Interrupted mashing his way through his seventh burger of the morning, Sam Jenson spluttered: ‘But we were told it was free, gratis. Part of our rights. It’s just money off, isn’t it? So it doesn’t need to come from anywhere.’

While starting every sentence with ‘As a taxpayer…’ Sam is clearly as selfishly disengaged as the next cretin from the idea of a mutually supportive society. He does, however, invest sterling effort in paying as little tax as possible by operating strictly cash in hand, claiming his artificial lawn laying business had a turnover of £1.37 last fiscal year.

Asked how he thought restaurants would get the money back, he grumbled: Are they not just sucking it up? OK- magic money tree? Tooth fairy? Bitcoin? Can’t they just pay more tax, then pay themselves back out of that? God, I’m really hungry now.’

With the majority of the population currently mid Wetherspoons-crawl, determined to wank as much value out of Rishi’s hospitality gonads as possible, it is unfortunate that an obscene amount of tax revenue will now be redirected to reimbursing multinational tax-avoiding fast-food chains; tragically away from NHS obesity, diabetes, and coronary-related services now facing an imminent, and ironic, overload.

Indomitably waddling to his next MacDonald’s before his arteries exploded, Sam had happily rationalised the situation: ‘But it’ll all get sorted out at Brexit, right? When we get all that money back. That’s odd, that’s the third independent café I’ve passed that’s boarded up. Lightweights. Big Mac, please.’

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Posted: Aug 14th, 2020 by

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