Government finds that changing Covid statistics ‘makes it all go away’

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Slashing nearly ten thousand Covid deaths with the stroke of a pen, Health Minister Matt Hancock is sure he can beat Coronavirus just by measuring deaths differently.

‘The old system was bonkers,’ he told press today. ‘Someone could be diagnosed Covid 19, get better and subsequently die from government neglect and my department got the blame. Now if someone gets Covid, survives on a ventilator until 28 days has elapsed, then pegs it the next day – they’re not on my slop sheet.’

Hancock is initially toying with withholding testing until patients are clearly terminally ill, but acknowledges this has been government policy all along so won’t help much, and keeping people on life support even if clinically dead, a process developed to keep the Cabinet going.

‘Ultimately, if we play with the way we measure this disease it will just cease to cause any deaths at all. I can claim to have eradicated it and we can all go back to our old ways of life, just for a measurably shorter period of time.’

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Posted: Aug 16th, 2020 by

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