Government to prioritise lost socks over people


The government has announced plans to repurpose its long awaited contact-tracing app to find lost socks instead of people who may have come into contact with coronavirus.

“The inexplicable disappearance of socks is one of the great mysteries of life. It’s up there with the Loch Ness Monster and the enduring popularity of Ed Sheeran” said a spokesman for Number 10.

“Yes, admittedly, over 900 people per day are still being infected with Covid-19. But do you know how many people lose a sock everyday? I don’t either but it’s probably more than 900”

No. 10 has strenuously denied that the government’s decision had anything to do with the original contract for the app being awarded to Sports Direct.

When it eventually launches, the new app will be able to pinpoint a sock’s location to within 300 metres.

“Narrowing down the whereabouts of a lost sock to an area the size of three football pitches will, obviously, be a game changer.”

“Now, with only a small search party and a few sniffer dogs, missing socks could be found in as little as two days.”

The app will also have a tool to warn people when they are near areas where they’re likely to lose a sock such as laundry baskets, tumble dryers and teenagers’ bedrooms.

The project will be overseen by former government minister and future Strictly Come Dancing contestant Chris Grayling.

Despite a lack of technological expertise, the government insists that Grayling is uniquely qualified for the job; Hansard shows that no other MP has been told to “put a sock in it” as much as he has.


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Posted: Aug 17th, 2020 by

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