With fans unlikely to be back in the stands soon, Luton based company Depressing Sporting Solutions has announced plans to bring the stadium to the home while you watch on tv.
‘We aim to recreate the authentic match day in your living room. For a very competitive price we can arrange for a sweary, flatulent bloke to sit uncomfortably close to you on your sofa and occasionally cough all over you, while another of our team will charge you £15 for a flat bottle of Carlsberg and a sausage roll so undercooked even the most ardent Gregg’s enthusiast would give it a miss.
‘We’re especially proud of our family package. For a small extra charge, we’ll get someone to sing ‘Get your tits out for the lads’ whenever your wife walks in, and we’ll teach your children some of the key racist and homophobic phrases they’d only ever learn at a real football stadium or in the comments section of the Mail Online’
And they are already boasting several satisfied customers. QPR fan Arthur Grimes stated: ‘It’s been incredible and has really rekindled my love of football. Not only did they bring someone in to piss all over my couch through a rolled up newspaper, they also quadrupled the price so I couldn’t afford to watch the game, and filled my lounge with middle class wankers on a corporate sponsorship junket instead. It’s just like the real thing.’