Gavin Williamson to undergo widespread reassessment


Teachers who taught Education Secretary Gavin Williamson in the 1980’s have reassessed his performance as a GCSE and A level student, and asked Ofqual to rescind all his pass certificates, rendering him unqualified to attend Bradford University.

His geography GCSE paper revealed a poor knowledge of oxbow lakes, and he still owes at least chemistry homework. The University of Bradford Vice Chancellor has, as a result, declared his degree in social sciences invalid.

Meanwhile, a Westminster branch of Vision Express has rescinded his latest prescription, because, according to the manager ‘Mr Williamson lacks any kind of vision.’ This means he will be banned from wearing contact lenses or spectacles, meaning he won’t be able to see what a fuckwit he is.

Later today Mr Williamson is set to fail a lie detector test related to the claim he didn’t leak National Security Agency data related to the Huawei affair. It’s also understood Mr Williamson’s driving test pass will come under scrutiny, with the examiner who passed him deciding he made a potentially fatal U Turn.

Mr Williamson’s cycling proficiency test certificate has been cancelled due to wobbling. Doctors are pressing Mr Williamson to undergo more blood tests so he ends up not having any.

It’s understood Mr Williamson’s famed pet tarantula Cronus has decided to leave him, preferring to live with fellow Tory MP Mark Francois instead. The tarantula told reporters: ‘I have reassessed my relationship with Gavin. Only now have I realised my mistake in associating with him, and I apologise to all the spiders in Britain for not acting sooner.’

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he will ‘stand by his man’ for the foreseeable future, or for the next ten minutes, whichever is the shorter.

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Posted: Aug 19th, 2020 by

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