Vampires have their coffins. Kings, their castles. Blond, chubby Prime Ministers prefer to spend their time safely ensconced in gigantic fridges with a few old copies of Razzle for company.
“He loves it in there”, said a Downing Street spokesman. “It’s so peaceful. He emerged for an hour a couple of days ago to ask if the A level results went well. At first he thought it was great because Eton had its best day ever, but then some twit showed him the headlines and he went back to the fridge”.
The only issue preventing Boris from enjoying the calming isolation of his fridge is Prime Minister’s Questions, which take place every Wednesday when Parliament is sitting (so about seven times a year). The solution? Make PMQs an annual event, with heraldic trumpeters, liveried horsemen opening up the House and other flim-flammery to run down the clock.
“If we organise it right there should only be enough time for the Speaker to shout ‘Order, Order’ and we can send Boris back to his fridge for another year”, said the spokesman, adding: “I’m glad Eton did so well. We need great leaders”.