With the poisoning of politician Alexei Navalny, it transpires that there are only three healthy people left in Russia; Vladimir Putin’s pet dog, Doctor Zhivago and the embalmed remains of Lenin. Everyone else has succumbed to some form of poisoning, which is particularly virulent around the time of elections.
While no direct connection to Mr. Putin has been made, it should be noted that the President regularly keeps bottled milk two months past its sell by date. It is also coincidental that 87% of ex-KGB agents now work in the catering industry.
Journalists, spies and politicians all seem particularly susceptible to food poisoning, which suggests they have angered powerful forces or forgotten to wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
For a country rich in minerals, there does seem to be a national shortage of toxic materials. Reacting to reports that there was nothing left to poison dissidents with, Turkey Twizzlers said: ‘Hold my pint’.