Exam results fiasco resolved as everybody gets straight nines in GCSEs


The current exam results fiasco appeared to be over today as half a million children were awarded GCSE grades they wouldn’t have had a hope in hell of getting.

Brian McHin and Isa Singh of Manchester academy for the shiftless and workshy opened their results in front of us and were pleasantly surprised to find that they had achieved the coveted “straight nines”. However their joy became more muted as others rocked up and opened their envelopes to reveal similar golden tickets.

Brian admitted that he was “surprised” to receive a nine for Maths, having scored 11% in his mock, and that was only because he spelt the first letter of his name correctly. He said: ‘My teacher, Mr Fluffy, is a really great bloke, but possibly a little optimistic about our ability.’

Isa was similarly taken aback by her nine for Biology. ‘I was only sitting dual award science, so the three nines are kind of surprising.
And I wasn’t expecting to get a Sanskrit GCSE either.’

As yet unsubstantiated stories abound of pupils from other schools receiving nines for courses that they hadn’t sat.

Certainly the London Maths Academy for Mathletes expressed astonishment at the entire cohort receiving nines for Metalwork GCSE.
But perhaps the crowning glory of the the day was the award of a nine in Chinese to HRH Prince Philip.

Gavin Williamson proudly announced the “best ever” results in front of number 9 Downing Street earlier, trumpeting the oft-repeated claim that the Tories would level everybody up.

Labour Shadow education secretary Kate Green claimed a resounding victory for commonsense as the pupils of the UK had ‘finally been given the grades that their hard work and scintillating intelligence deserved.’

Meanwhile Ofqual has revealed that next year’s GCSE exams will be graded from levels 9-20.


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Posted: Aug 21st, 2020 by

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