The Department for Media Culture and Sport has announced from January 1st next year it will become mandatory, that should you wish to appear in public sporting a Hipster beard, then a licence must be purchased and kept on your person at all times.
A Junior Minister said: ‘Something needed to be done as the proliferation of Hipster face-fungus has reached almost epidemic proportions. It is obvious that few of these people realise just how bloody stupid they look and it needs to be brought home to them. So the best way to grab their attention is through their pockets.’
Details are sketchy but it’s understood charges are to be levied depending how thick and dense beards are, with costs to be set on a sliding scale; starting at £10 for a basic ‘light’ stubble right up to £1000 for those that make their wearers look like a complete and utter wanker.
Additional charges may be necessary for sporting elaborate hairstyles, gaudily-coloured spectacles, check shirts, setting up a craft brewery or artisan bakery.
But the news has not played well, particularly in London’s trendy Hoxton, an area where it’s estimated that almost 99.7% of the entire male adult population and 76.4% of women sport a partial or full Hipster beard.
Said one Hoxtonian: ‘This is not fair and smacks of victimisation and opportunism by the government. If I choose to grow my beard then it’s my own business. It allows me to make a statement that says to the world – I’m unique, I eschew the conventional and I dance to the beat of a different drum.’