Children are “umm, probably” more likely to be harmed by not returning to school than catching coronavirus, the UK’s chief medical officer now says.
Sporting a sore-looking red wrist, following a Chinese burn expertly administered by Gavin Williamson, Whitty explained his hasty conversion.
“The chances of children dying from Covid-19 are a million-to-one,” he said, in a wistful echo of simpler, planetary decimation times. “Whereas every day without the opportunity to learn about the spinning Jenny, come home wearing someone else’s shoes, or make a pasta wreath for Granny, will cause irreparable damage in the long run.
“We can’t have children missing out on Key Learning Stage: Headful of Nits. In fact, nits may well protect against coronavirus. Yes, that’s it. Let’s face it, who knows?”
Fed up parent Jen Samson, who used to bleat on about “the dream” of homeschooling Jasper and Coriander, said; “Just get them back in- any odds sound great to me. It doesn’t mean I love them any less, but after 6 months cooped up together, actually, I do.”