HELP 70 BUY: Reserved for your friendly local slum landlord, currently irritated by being prevented from evicting at will, just for a laugh, but cheerily en route to snap up another abandoned office block for peanuts and cram in 200 desperate families. Happy days.
FAR 70 GO: Dominic Cummings, Stanley Johnson, Phil Hogan; bidding was fierce for this beauty, eventually snapped up by Chris Grayling’s family in a commendably loyal ego-boosting attempt to get him out from under the duvet and back on the horse. Can you put a number plate on a horse?
HOT 70 TROT: OK, Jacob Rees Mogg has put this on his horse.
70SSER: No plate more proudly British, perfect for anyone who refuses to wear a mask, socially distance, queue, or start any bellowed sentence without the words “What I reckon…” Sadly, there’s only one, so form an orderly queue behind Nigel Farage.
70TAL WNKR: See above, and add in most of the cabinet.
IN 70 DEEP: Ron Jeremy initially went in hard for this one, but pulled out after displaying an admirable refusal to compromise on ‘too’. Since bought by other members of Chris Grayling’s family as a joke ‘well done on your new job’ present, up for the challenge of getting it couriered to him in the scant few hours between hiring and firing.
IN70 DEPP: Back on the market after Amber Heard’s reservation expired; perfect for the unhinged, masochistic, violent, scatological harpy in every drug and alcohol dependent, violent, pirate-fixated Ofqual-downgraded former A-lister’s filthy, syringe-strewn bed.
UP 70 U: Know someone who can’t make a decision? Hems, haws, dithers, delays, flip-flops and U-turns at every opportunity? Why not get them this perfect one-year-in-office gift- no, hang on; it implies respect and consideration of taking the other’s views into consideration. Bugger.