Man suspicious woman returning from extended lockdown is ‘not real wife’


A confused man is wondering if, after months trying to persuade his wife to come back home, the pleasant, compliant woman living back with him is actually someone else. Sam Jenson says: “As soon as lockdown was announced, my wife said, ‘Thank f*ck for that’ and bolted from the room. By the time Boris finished waffling, she was haring up the M4 to look after her vulnerable mother, saying don’t forget to feed the cat. Her mother’s Director of the London School of Economics, which now you say it, does raise questions about her mercy dash. Mind you, I didn’t even know we had a cat.”

Sam clearly missed his wife. “It’s been hell, trying to work out how you make food come into the house and get it not-raw enough to eat. Despite discovering the dishwasher, I still haven’t sorted how to make clothes go back to not smelling. As well as a cat, it appears we have two children I was only vaguely aware of, and apparently they need feeding and mucking out, too.”

When a woman he assumed was his wife returned last weekend, Sam was delighted, despite a few anomalies. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s lovely, a lot less door-slam-y, and all the nice hot dinners are doing wonders for my scurvy. Her name’s got a lot prettier, and BT rang over the £1800-worth of calls to the Philippines; I guess that’s all part of getting used to each other’s little idiosyncrasies again.”

And have all marital traditions resumed? Sam blushes slightly; “More than ever. She gets me to sign an invoice afterwards, which is a bit of a snuggle-killer, but she reassures me it’s all covered by someone who says it’s a total bargain. Their name sounded a bit familiar, too.”

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Posted: Aug 31st, 2020 by

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