Privatised rescue service will offer special deals to drowning customers

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Plans to privatise the UK’s air-sea-rescue service have been warmly welcomed by Uber, which hopes to roll out a system of contactless payments for drowning swimmers. The average cost of a cliff-face rescue in 2019 was £10,000. Uber hopes to charge its victims as little as £3000 a pop, providing they have a good credit score rating.

The Government is keen to replace the RAF and RNLI with a more cost-effective, market-driven, and robust provider. By downloading an app, Uber customers will be able to tap the screen on their smartphone and summon a helicopter to their GPS location.

Speaking for the Government, Grant Shapps said: ‘Saving money is just as important as saving lives, if not more so. If people can’t be bothered to stick a phone down their swimming trunks before being dragged out to sea by a riptide, then they deserve to die. That’s why I came into politics – to make a difference.’

Critics have condemned the government for changing the way it measures the effectiveness of air-sea-rescue in the run-up to privatisation. Floating corpses that have a prepaid card or a standing order will count as a successful outcome. Uber rescuers will be encouraged to rifle through pockets for spare change and have first dibs on gold fillings.

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Posted: Sep 1st, 2020 by

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