Self-important Queen of Pop and compulsive human trafficker, Madonna, is suing a group of sweatshop workers. Despite a flurry of cease and desists they have carried on playing her 1984 worldwide hit while stitching together quality retail clothing destined for the UK’s high streets. After spending several hours adjusting her bejewelled eye-patch and cone-shaped bra, she accused the workers of taking the piss.
‘These pathetic insults to humanity play Material Girl all the time while they’re at work. I realise there’s no health and no safety in their Dickensian conditions, but these ruthless exploiters are using my music to motivate them through a 16-hour shift. I hear they earn £2 per hour, on a good day, but it’s still good money. That’s at least £1.50 more than they’d get if they couldn’t sew along to a classic 80’s track, with unbeatable synth arrangements and a robotic-sounding backing voice.
I’ve instructed a team of highly paid LA lawyers to sue them for everything they’ve got, and if that doesn’t cover a new pair of Gucci diamond encrusted platform boots, I’ll be using them to provide free childcare for all my kids.’