Preparing for the possibility of a second wave of COVID 19, the Premier League has drawn up plans to allow players to remain socially distant on the pitch, by lining them up in rows of three and four, skewering them with a metal pole, and then having them repeatedly spun through 360 degrees towards the ball from the sidelines.
‘It will also be a completely immersive experience for the fans’ explained Premier League chief Richard Masters ‘In the grand tradition of table football, each team will be controlled by a drunken, deluded student who earnestly believes that winning the game will gain him unlimited access to the pants of any girl watching.’
It’s understood that the Premier League evaluated a number of possible options. One official explained ‘Our initial idea was to create a giant game of blow football, but the sheer volume of spittle generated would have been inappropriate in the current climate.’
‘Then we thought about glueing each player to a semi circular base and have fans flick them towards the ball. Unfortunately during a trial run, Harry Kane got trodden on and someone’s dog ate Jamie Vardy so we went with the table football plan instead’
Other sports are also understood to be following suit. Contractors are believed to be digging two enormous grooves into the track at Monza in advance of next week’s Italian Grand Prix. The cars can then be controlled from the pitlane with a sort of mini hairdryer shaped thing before flying off the track and falling to bits at the very first corner.