Welcome to your chaperoned future


Following the TUI ‘unmasking’ flight shambles, it’s clear that the great British public are just too thick, obstinate or selfish to be allowed out unsupervised, therefore the following strategies are being put into place asap:

One person, one plane:
Surrounding the one permitted lone passenger with a phalanx of cabin crew appears to be the only way to prevent idiots removing their mask to talk, snooze, spit, cough and smirk. Tickets will therefore become prohibitively expensive, so think of your cancelled holiday to Zante as, erm, saving money.

Shop on your tod:
One in, one out now means just one person, with accompanying staff minder, in any shop at one time, even five storey department stores. The rest of the staff will marshal the increasingly combustible queue, haranguing them about masks, handwashing, and personal space until they give up and go home. This will hasten the inevitable closure of all shops and ancillary services, but worth it just to picture the impotent fury on Boris’s face.

Rave off:
Every unattended farm field, woodland glade or dell (do we have these any more?) will be lined with bobbies from the beat (do we have these any more?) holding up signs saying ‘Looking for the rave? Rave this!’ before slapping on the cuffs. You were warned; big fish, little fish, cardboard box’s too good for ‘em.

Litter-al retribution:
Having reduced the amount of petty crimes requiring investigation, freed up police and concerned local NIMBYs will now spy 24/7 on beauty spots. Once a littering crime is committed, a bin lorry will be sent to fill the offender’s home with garbage, also reducing pressure on landfill sites, win:win.

Parties, weddings, christenings, funerals:
Just no; best not. In the current climate, surely no sane person wants to shackle themselves to another human being, procreate, socialise or mark the passing of a loved one while fighting the urge to fling yourself on the coffin shouting “How does he get to escape this living hell? It’s just not fair!”?

The big(oted) guns:
In case you haven’t got the message, as soon as more than the allowed number of people congregate (one), an alarm will sound and either Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson, Ann Widdecombe or Jacob Rees-Mogg will be swiftly dispatched to hector you. Exactly. Enjoy your doubleplusgood freedom, citizen.

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Posted: Sep 2nd, 2020 by

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