Health service chiefs are celebrating A&E waiting times hitting target for the first time since the Crimea war, due to an impressive pincer strategy of requiring all attendees to ring NHS 111 before admission, while simultaneously deploying rogue software to block the digit 1 on all telephone keypads.
Revealing the secret behind the initiative, a source said; “Appointing Dido Harding turned out to be a masterstroke. She’s undoubtedly rubbish at preventing security breaches or hitting testing targets, but with a few tweaks, the valuable insider incompetence she brought from TalkTalk- like the time anyone calling their doctor ended up sending their bank details to Eritrean warlords- enabled us to instigate the block.
“Ancient dial phones can still reach 111, but since their owners are usually too deaf or doolally to comprehend the conversation, specially-trained advisors can easily fob them off by pretending to be Dominoes, or an irritated, patronising family member.”
Huawei’s refusal to conform to the tactics, due to much higher standards of transparency and integrity, has been confirmed as the real reason for their ban from the network. BT, on the other hand, have been very happy to comply, having employed virtually identical techniques within customer services for decades.
Following the success, plans are currently being fast-tracked to remove the @ and # keys from all keyboards, ensuring no irate thwarted patients can tweet or email their MP to complain. Teething troubles have resulted in multiple letters erratically going in and out of service, causing major disruption to most media and communication organisations.
Guardian readers have been reassured they will not notice any difference, and in an unforeseen benefit, random missing letters have reportedly resulted in an unusual level of clarity at government briefings.