New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

The new finger scanner is expected to speed up internet banking and supersede the inefficient ‘neck/fang interface’ that had been in use since the 1800s. By using biometric information, Barclays hopes to reduce the risk of fraudsters and confrontations with anyone called ‘Van Helsing’. Meanwhile the Bank of England has said it will underwrite any ‘feasting on the living’, ‘pacts with the Devil’ but draws the line at ‘…helping out the Co-Op’.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2020 by

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