With local lockdowns looming across the country just as schools reopen, the shadowy Parents’ Liberation Front has issued a statement warning of the consequences if the government sends children back to ‘home school’ once again.
“Make no mistake, if schools are told to shut their doors because loads of idiots have spent the summer coughing into each other’s faces in beer gardens and holiday resorts, we will forcibly close the bars and restaurants too” read the post uploaded to the Dark Mumsnet at 3am yesterday morning. “We will launch a bombing campaign targeting Nandos, Wetherspoons, No. 10, the Dept for Education, the Dept for Keeping Pubs Open No Matter What, and the Dog and Duck on the High Street. In any bloody order we feel like.”
A government spokesperson insisted that the education of the nation’s children was certainly a high priority, but that it had to be balanced against the risk of spreading the virus, and the overwhelming need to keep any building with a cash register in it open.
“Fuck education” responded a PLF spokesperson on the phone to the Today programme, “this is about sanity. This is about my family’s survival – before we all murder each other. And the PLF would like to remind the government that we vote it in, we pay it’s taxes, we wash it’s clothes and cook it’s tea, it definitely IS time for school… And [sob] it doesn’t make the rules, we do!!“