Feeling slightly sensitive that a lifetime of vagina grabbing and perfidious self-promotion might not be completely at ease with his conservative Christian support base, President Trump today announced and amended version of the Ten Commandments to try and keep both parties happy.
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, your favourite President.
2. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image unless it’s the dust jacket of The Art of the Deal
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Tucker Carlson in vain
4. Remember the Sabbath day, keep it 18 holesy
5. Honour thy father and thy mother. Be either distant or creepy with your kids
6. Thou shalt not kill unless you’re a heavily armed seventeen year old wandering around an unfamiliar town
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless it’s with a porn star while your wife is pregnant
8. Thou shalt not steal, unless it’s from a charity to buy a massive portrait of yourself
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbour. Not really sure what that one means
10. Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s manservant , or his maidservant, or his ox, or his wife, or her ass. Her pussy is fine though.