A man who holds himself out as a ‘Consultant’ and unable to pinpoint what duties he performs, is 110% certain that he performs actual work, it has emerged.
So-called ‘consultant, Alan Small said, ‘What’s my job? I wear a phenomenal suit with trousers so tight you can see both the fuselage and the landing gear. That’s my job. I wear Paco Rabane, a signet ring on my left pinky and no f*cking tie, mate. All. My. Job. Does that answer your question? Specifics? Okay. How about, integrity. Is that specific enough for you?’
‘Whenever I meet a new client, I look them dead in the eyes – unless there is more than one, in which case I shake my head repeatedly between them – and deliver the following pledge, without blinking – ‘if you fail, I fail. I don’t fail. Failure is not an option. I will succeed, hence you will succeed. Also.’
‘Awesome, right? Brass tacks. My job is success. How is that a job? You’re seriously asking me that question? Course it’s a job. It’s like breathing. We all breathe, yes. But it’s not the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away. That’s where success lies. My clients are reaching around in the dark looking for a switch. I am that light switch. Like I said to one yesterday, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Mind blown, right?’
A spokesperson – from what transpired to be Alan’s only client – commented: ‘He’s a complete moron. But we’re the Department for Exiting the EU so naturally some absolute melt getting paid sh*tloads of public money to spout quotes you can find on Facebook, is considered to be ‘essential no-deal planning work’ – obviously. And he always calls me Rick. My name’s Nick. I hate him so much, it physically hurts.’