Tough new COVID restrictions have been imposed in England, with people being asked to spontaneously combust, implode and disappear into a space-time wormhole. In worst hit areas like Chorley and Bolton, households will be asked to shop and socialise in a parallel universe. Professor Cox said: ‘Understanding the government’s latest advice really isn’t that difficult. Imagine the Prime Minister’s arse is the universe. Now imagine him disappearing up it.’
A spokesperson for Number 10 said: ‘Our advice could not be clearer. The sum of all potential parallel universes converge into the experiences we call reality. Therefore, all future actions must be based upon infinite possibilities co-existing within the individual’s perceived multiversity. That means one butt cheek and one elbow per household. There will be a £100 fine for anyone who breaks this simple rule.’ Matt ‘Schrödinger’ Hancock was both available and unavailable for comment.