Ancient and recently rebranded deity Yahweh has admitted previous expressions of displeasure at Donald Trump’s America were ‘too subtle’. The Almighty has therefore declared that henceforth all plagues, meteorological extremes and geological upheavals should be named after senior Republican figures, starting with ‘Hurricane Fuck off Donald’, which should hit Florida some time next week, probably.
‘Bloody hell, I thought Pharoah was cloth-eared,’ said the Lord of Hosts, watching unmasked conservatives hug each other in ignorance as the worst pandemic in years swirled around them. ‘These people call on My name every thirty seconds, yet whenever I rain down fire and brimstone on their ignorant right-wing asses they blame it on ‘nature’ or ‘evolution’, whatever that is. Some people just can’t take a hint. Enough already with the racist bullshit. And yes, I am using American slang because I’m American. Obviously.’
Following the divine declaration Americans on the East Coast, previously braced for Storm Mary, are battening down the hatches against ‘Storm FFS You’re a First Generation Immigrant Yourself Melania’. Meanwhile, West Coasters are on high alert for ‘Massive Fire Meatz is a Bellend’, while residents of Davenport, Iowa are mildly concerned about ‘Light Drizzle That Might Dampen A Barbecue What a Shitting Sell-Out Pence’.
Other anti-Trumpian measures considered by God include making walls fall down at the sound of an immigrant’s trumpet, hiding a dinosaur skeleton next to a fossilised baseball and a stone tablet setting out the case for meteorite denial in prehistoric roar language. The dinosaur is to be called the Magadon.
Senior Republicans countered that God Himself chose people to the exclusion, disadvantage and almost certain death of innocents whose face didn’t fit, so just what was His problem with their 2020 manifesto? ‘Look, I might have come across a bit harsh in the early days, but in my defence nobody understood a word I was saying,’ said the Almighty. ‘Besides, I’ve got more liberal as I’ve got older. Doesn’t everyone?’