Matt ‘Gollum’ Hancock bans Hobbits from besmirching his precious testses


After exploiting every creative option to inflate testing numbers over the last few months, Matt Hancock’s surprisingly savage attack on anyone having the cheek to actually request one has led observers to suspect more sinister underlying desires than simple incompetence.

‘Our mines under the Misty Mountains have yielded millions of lovely, shiny, golden testing kits,’ bleated the Sméagol of the Health Department. ‘So don’t think I’m going to let you nasty Hobbitses get your filthy paws on them.’

‘Some greedy Orcs have even been testing to make sure they haven’t got troll-pox before setting off on holiday to Mordor,’ he squeaked, while eyeing up the teetering pile of property-deal gold upon which Robert ‘Smaug’ Jenrick was squatting. ‘But all the precious tests are mine, mine, mine!’

The sight of Hancock’s face on hearing Boris ‘Aragornt’ Johnson’s announcement to ramp up testing throughout Middle Earth to 500,000 a day by Winterfilthe was enough to bring a rosy glow to many rings across the Shire.

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Posted: Sep 11th, 2020 by

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