This year’s series of The Apprentice has been postponed because of an unprecedented shortage of massive bellends, the BBC has said. The show has aired every year since 2005, giving viewers the chance to marvel at the strange language and behaviour of some of the nation’s biggest bellends. [read...]
Continuity experts have been flummoxed by internet rumours that the Prime Minister may have already moved onto his fifth wife; skipping over number four, various plot twists and all sense of propriety. Instead, Mr. Johnson is on the verge of creating a space/time paradox where is he is in a constant state of divorce and… [read...]
Through a diet of Peter Mandelson and regular exercise – running from his socialist principles – Labour’s deputy leader has revealed he is clear of all leftist tendencies. A slim-line Mr. Watson told reporters never again would he succumb to starchy trade unions or refined nationalization [read...]
Reopened schools are reporting a strange knock-on effect of their communities becoming fungizonal petri dishes of potential disease – the students can’t detect the alarm and deep nervousness of all the new cover teachers that have now been employed to fill in the timetable gaps by those teachers who are shielding because of underlying health… [read...]
